So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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