Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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