Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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