Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
