wat bout pragnant strippers??
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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