why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
