You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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