I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
