I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
