The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
