may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
