Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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