Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
