sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
