I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
