Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You made out with two different species that night
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
