Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
