It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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