i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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