I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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