Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
