the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
