Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
