i need an iv and a liver transplant
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
