hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
