Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
