also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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