I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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