I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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