I didn't shave. On purpose
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
