I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
