She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
