just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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