nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
