I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
