Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
