I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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