There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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