Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
