Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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