the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
