i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
