Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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