It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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