I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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