so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
