they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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