this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
