I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
