Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
A bitchslap is in order.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
