She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
