There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
